Why you’re never going to be happy
All of us can raise our hand when answering the question of, “have you ever said you’ll be happy when you achieve X?”
We all have goals, aspirations and ideals of what we want to achieve, who we want to be and what we want to look like. This could be weighing a certain amount, fitting into a particular dress size, being able to lift a certain weight etc. These are all goals that we want to achieve and we tell ourselves that when we accomplish them, that’s when we’ll be happy.
The problem is though, this isn’t true.
However, this doesn’t mean that having goals is a waste of time. The same with everything, there’s a balance between what’s helpful and what’s detrimental, that we need to be aware of when choosing our goals.
The most common example would be, “what I weigh X amount, I’ll be happy”.
Let’s delve into this to see if it’s true.
You could lose weight, but you’d still have the same insecurities you do today.
You could weigh your goal weight, but you’d still have the same issues with food and your relationship with it.
You could have your ‘dream body’, but still perceive yourself the same way as you do now.
You could drop a dress size, but still feel uncomfortable wearing certain clothes, i.e. bikini, shorts, crop tops.
Using my own lived experience as an example, I’ve been clinically underweight and had never disliked my body more. I’ve also lived in a body that’s glamorised and put on a pedestal when I did a bikini competition and was extremely lean. Both of these examples, I was receiving praise and validation from all those around me, but I was hyper-fixating on every single flaw I could pinpoint on my body. I was miserable and yet, everyone around me was telling me how much they admired my body, and how much they wished they had it.
I told myself that I’d be happy when I was lean enough to compete, and I was wrong.
So, how did I overcome this? How did I finally reach the place where I am now, where I’m happy with myself?
The thing is, I’m not.
Truth be told, I’m not entirely happy with my body and I have moments often where I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I still have times where I notice things I wish I could change about myself. But the most significant difference between myself now and the person I was previously, is that I’m accepting of myself.
I’m now in a position where I accept the parts of my body that I wished looked different, or looked like someone else’s. But I don’t let those insecurities stop me from doing things I want to do, or to wear clothes that I want to wear. They don’t stop me from living my life.
I’m now understanding of the fact that to be human, means to have flaws. And that having flaws and aspects of myself that I don’t like, is totally okay.
By weighing X amount, being X dress size, having X body part that I don’t like doesn’t take away from the fact that I care about people, that I go out of my way to be polite, that I have values and that I’m worthy of doing the things that I want to do. And nor does it take away from the amazing qualities that you have.
That’s how I’m happy.
I’m not happy because I lost a whole bunch of weight and everyone told me I had their ‘dream body’. I did that and I felt far worse. Instead, I’ve accepted myself for who I am, flaws and all, and get on with the rest of my day.
It’s obvious, but this is far easier said than done. I didn’t just wake up one day and start fully accepting myself. I still have days where I think negatively towards myself and find previous negative thought patterns arising, but I’m now far better equipped to handle those days. That’s because I’ve taken the time to learn about myself, how to accept myself, what to do on hard days etc. It’s still a work in progress and still something I need to put conscious effort into, but I choose to work on this everyday, than to be where I was ~5 years ago: stuck in the mindset of thinking I’ll be happy with I look or weigh X.
You’re never going to be happy if you tell yourself that you need to achieve X first. Instead, you can start to be happy right now by accepting yourself just as you are.
